We were finally discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon. I was expecting a sleeping boyfriend and messy house, but we walked into a clean house and dinner in the crockpot. And Cason was up nursing every hour, so at 7 this morning Joel took him out of our room and kept him and Alaska occupied until 10 so I could get some sleep. He is such a good man and dad. I should treat him nicer because he does so much for me. I’m just so cranky sometimes. It’s just an adjustment period. I need to remind myself of that more often.

Apparently voluntarily going on a 12 hour roundtrip truck route at 8pm last night for work was a good idea according to Joel. By what standard of thinking I have NO idea because imagine that, he just got home at 9:30 this morning after having been up for 24 hours and is going to sleep until probably 5 or 6 which means I’m going home to a disaster of a house with no extra hands to help with the kids. I love him to death, but when he decides to do shit like that and not even run it by me, that’s when I get pissed because today really isn’t the day for him to be sleeping all day. I don’t care how tired he is, I’m up every hour on the hour all through the night nursing Cason and I still get up at 7 with Alaska and there is no down time with her. I’m tired too but that doesn’t mean I don’t have things to do, aka all of the housework plus tend to both children. I need to cool it. I know. He’s just trying to keep his paychecks large to compensate for my maternity leave which only pays 80% of my normal pay. But my sleep deprivation is making me about ten times more irritable than normal and I don’t care.

Since Cason has to be in his incubator under the lights whenever he’s not nursing, that leaves a lot of time for me to be bored which has resulted in binge watching 16 & Pregnant. And holy shit, I can’t believe some of these girls. Not a dollar to their name, homeless, immature boyfriend who clearly isn’t going to be around very long. It blows my mind how ignorant they are to the realities of having a child. But I was literally in the same situation when I had Alaska. The only reason I was able to stay in school and be a good parent and give her a good life was the support of my parents even though I was such a dumbass for a while. And now that I’m in a committed relationship with our own set of responsibilities, bills, two kids, etc. it just makes me realize all the work and time it really takes to raise kids. And I wonder what would’ve happened if my parents would’ve kicked me out when I was 16. Meh. Random thoughts. Too much time on my hands. I miss Alaska. I want to go home. :/

Poor little bubba is jaundiced so he’s in the hospital getting light therapy. I didn’t think we’d be back here in less than a week :( They were going to have to supplement him with formula if his billiruben level didn’t go down after 6 hours and supplementing is something I absolutely don’t want to do, and thankfully it’s going down consistently with each blood draw. Yayyy for breastmilk :) Honestly I think the four hours of sleep I got last night are more than I’ve gotten any night at home so far because he loves being under the UV lights! He sprawls his legs and arms out and sleeps peacefully all the way between feedings. Little man just likes to get his tan on apparently :) haha. Hopefully we can go home today… But I’m not crossing my fingers. Ugh. I just miss Alaska. I was just away from her for three days when Cason was born and now a week later I had to be away again, when I left to take Cason back to the hospital she was like “are you leaving me again mommy?” My heart seriously BROKE. I had to hold back tears. She was fine of course after a few minutes, but I just feel so awful that I can’t be home with her. She understands what’s going on and that her brother is sick, but poor girl probably feels so neglected and it’s out of my control. When we finally do get home I see lots of extra cuddles and reading stories. Meh. My babies.